MIDDLE BY VARALOTTI.

Agony aunts galore

By Varalotti Rengasamy

Agony aunt columns promise to help the querist, but end up entertaining others

'I have this nasty affair with my colleague. I feel terribly guilty. Can you help me?' A typical question in a popular women's magazine in its agony aunt column. The answer is equally typical – some hackneyed cliches and some boring homilies, all delivered in bold letters on a glossy paper. No one will ever know what the querist did. But a few thousands of readers would have derived voyeuristic pleasure in reading the column. Agony Aunt columns give solid business. My friend who works for a women's magazine told me that many men buy these magazines because of these columns. Many people doubt the authenticity of the queries. but, the juicier the query, greater the suspicion. If the querist has a nasty affair why should she proclaim it to the world? The alternatives are much more sensible than asking a magazine column. A few years ago a popular psychologist was answering a typical agony aunt column on a TV channel. His co-host was a beautiful final year medical student. The fact that sex-related queries were read out by a beautiful woman and the answers provided by a humorous psychiatrist made the show very popular. He might not have provided solutions to all the problems but he definitely provided entertainment to thousands of viewers. Spiritual agony aunts provide the best humour in town. A devotee had asked in anguish: 'As I was completing my daily puja on Friday morning the oil lamp in the puja room suddenly went off. I am worried about this bad omen.' The unfazed agony aunt replied in a non-chalant tone: 'When the lamp is put off, light it again. That to me is the best possible retribution for your problem.' Some agony aunts are brilliant, like this one. The querist was a thirty year old married man with two kids. 'My neighbour's daughter, a 14-year-old good-looking girl has shown interest in me. She is ready for anything. Tell me how I should prepare myself.' The reply: 'Get a lawyer and ask him to prepare a bail application for you because having a relationship with a 14 year old is criminal offence. You may also prepare yourself for an extended jail-life.'

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